In A Cave
by BSammy
Summary: A songfic based around the Gothic Archies song "In A Cave". The 'Man with a beard but no hair' and the 'Woman with hair but no beard' move into a cave.


_**We're in a cave...**_

Curdled cave, once home to Josephine Anwhistle, now had visitors of a different sort, realtors, two of them, both with large smiles and ugly jackets, pointing out the main selling points of the cave to the two other visitors, currently hidden from view by the shadows. They had made their way to the cave by ferry, but judging from the storm brewing over Lake Lachrymose, it would be the last ferry for quite a while.

"It can be a little droughty at times," the elder of the realtors explained, the one with the Presley hairdo and the Benn Gunn beard, "but it is incredibly spacious, plus the nearest neighbours are a long hazardous boat ride away, you will be almost completely isolated from the rest of the world." His partner, the one with the small pimpled nose and the Mussolini moustache, nodded in agreement at the two people in the shadows, his eyes trying to seek them out. One of them, a bald man with a beard in the style of Abraham Lincoln stepped forward into the light and the eyes of the realtors.  
"It sounds wonderful," he said, in a strange hoarse voice, "we'll take it"  
"That's marvellous," replied the moustache wearing realtor, reaching some official looking forms in his bag, "now if you could just fill these out"  
"No," the bald man interrupted, "I said we'll take it." If it wasn't for his hoarse voice he would almost have been shouting.

It was at that point when the bald bearded mans companion revealed herself from the shadows, although not next to the bearded man, which is where the realtor had been expecting her, but right behind the other realtor. She was clutching a large, heavy looking rock, which she then brought down upon his head.  
There was a loud sickening noise as the Ben Gunn bearded realtor collapsed, whilst at the same time, the man with a beard but no hair stepped closer to the still conscious realtor and held him so he could not run.

"So if you could just hand me the deed to the place and we'll call it a deal"  
It was at this point when the woman spoke for the first time, she was lacking in facial hair but had quite an impressive beehive hairdo, reminiscent or certain members of the B52s.  
"Of course, if you prefer we could just kill you now and take it," she said in an unusually deep voice.  
The realtor just fainted at this and the two people dragged the bodies to the back of the cave.  
"So you're sure this is safe enough?" the woman asked.  
"Of course, people will probably think they got eaten by leeches, or perished in the hurricane which we saw just beginning earlier," they let go of the realtors and sat down on some convenient seat-like rocks close by, "and don't forget, we are almost completely isolated." He kicked the unresponsive head of the realtor who told them this before, as if to emphasise his point.

_**...at the end of the world...**_

Of course most caves have unknown passages and other ways to get to the outside world, and this one was no exception. The man with a beard but no hair and the woman with hair but no beard used these passages to great effect to access the cave safely during hurricane weather. In fact they were using one right now to return to the cave after Olaf's bungle at the Hotel Denouement. Those stupid Baudelaire kids had finally exposed Olaf and the powers of good had triumphed once more, Olaf had been captured and was sitting in a jail cell, at least until the man and the woman who between them possessed a full head of hair and a beard, had helped Olaf to escape and were bringing him back to the cave.

When they arrived they didn't give Olaf a chance to talk, to make his excuses and apologies, he didn't deserve even that, he had failed, they tied him down, gagged him and let him suffer like that for a good hour while they verbally assaulted him, finishing up with a good knock on the head with the woman's now trusty rock.

Later that night, the man and woman are discussing Count Olaf once more.  
"No, I don't think we're being too harsh," the man said in his hoarse voice.  
"But he was our friend, originally anyway, are you sure he deserves _this_?" her deep voice replied as she glanced at Olaf's body.  
"We can't afford to go soft on anyone, not now, Olaf did, and look at what has happened to him, and Fernald before him"  
She sighed, "I suppose you're right, and it's done now, we can't undo this to him," she took another look at Olaf, "how is he going anyway"  
The man walked over to the large spit roaster and cut off a small portion of Olaf's right forearm, after tasting it he said "He still needs another hour or so, if you're too hungry to wait I should make you a leftover Fernald sandwich"  
She hesitated briefly before nodding, "That would be wonderful, thank and eating our friends

_**We are in a cave at the end of the world, cooking and eating our friends**_


End file.
